Christmas 2008

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Welcome to Holland

This piece of writing is very poignant and sums up so much of the last few weeks. We are just, some 10 weeks on, beginning to catch our breath and appreciate the tulips once more!

Welcome to Holland" By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.


After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands.The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.



The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.



But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.



But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Looking At What You Have.

Some 10 weeks on from Tilly's diagnosis the shock is wearing off and a new reality is beginning to sink in. The last 10 weeks have been grim but there is now more of a focus on what we have and not what we don't! I have discovered it is a very dangerous thing to lament the 'may have beens ' as this can plummet a mother into despair so quickly it would make your head spin! In reality we haven't lost anything as we never had that reality at any point but even so the old vision of our family future still creeps up to haunt and torment me! Now though, i am finding myself more and more able to focus on how my life has changed for the better since having SMS come into my life...



My life is full of the most amazing smiles and cuddles with my little sms person....of course that's been true from day one and remains true even in these early days of diagnosis. Tilly amazes us with her determination and her will to learn. She has been signing for over 6 months now and is joining signs together to make sentences which is just magical! my life is never dull or quiet and my house is never tidy since Tilly came along! Tilly is teaching me the importance of not giving up hope and of the true meaning of love. She is a beautiful soul, hard work but just amazing to have in our lives.

I am also learning how to appreciate every little good and magical thing in life. when little things are a struggle to achieve by the ones we love they become huge milestones to be applauded when achieved. in a way Tilly has segmented my life into tiny steps of celebration and magic.

I used to worry about every little thing but have found as time passes since the diagnosis i don't do this so much. I actually have more to worry about now in reality but i am realising worry doesn't help. I am more accepting of the uncertainties in life and the future as I simply need to be now! It's almost felt like a release in some ways and I feel stronger. We have just had to roll up our sleeves and say 'life you may be tough but we are all tougher!'



I have also been thrown into a world full of truly incredible and kind people who I would never have met if Tilly hadn't had sms. That may sound a bit flippant or trite but its not meant to be and is simply the truth of things. All the people I talk to and have met in this new world have a firmer grounding in living life to the full, the importance of family, friendship and love, that has just been wonderful to become immersed in. This world, which I was truly horrified to be hurtled into at first has turned out to be a magical place! It is really true that Holland has tulips and Rembrandt's!!! (see the poem 'Holland')

Tilly is also my best teacher...I am pushed by her to be more loving, patient, determined, optimistic, happy and positive every second of the day. Sometimes I fail miserably but would I even be trying without her, to be these things? probably not! I love my baby with sms, she is an angel so how could i not celebrate every moment with her. We accept all the good and the bad that sms will bring as it all comes wrapped up in our love for Tilly, which is unshakable.